lets just make this solemn.
because this will be an entry about Pet.

i guess many of you dont know how much she means to me.
then lets just start from the beginning.

i met her when i was 15.
i never believed in love at first sight until i met her.
and maybe because we both sucked at chinese, thats why we actually had a chance to know each other.
she was my first and my last. so far.
she taught me how to love and to hate to the extreme.
because she said that that was the way you truly lived life.
because you used everything you had to feel.
we swam on the beach at night.
we got drunk until we dont know who each other was.
we skinny dipped in someone's pool.
yeah, we lived life.
life that lasted for six months.
i didnt want it to stop because it was so addictive. to live life like this.
we met Claire not long after that.
she was like me.
but louder and sharper and she didn't care about consequences.
they fell in love and i had to let go.
because i clearly do not believe in threesomes.
and i slowly broke away.
but still remained friends.
because i still loved her with all my heart.
and it ate me away until i met someone else.
but i still loved her.
i dont know what happened but somehow things went wrong and she turned to drugs.
i couldn't control her and neither could Claire.
no one had any idea how we went through those days.
i cried myself to sleep every night because i couldn't help myself.
Pet finally got herself into rehab.
i visited her whenever i could.
and then she died and left me.
it just wouldnt set in.
i didnt understand how she could have been so irresponsible as to let me be like this.
but i did.
until now.
i've always kept her poem books because Claire hates them and i love them.
it always reminded me how Pet could tell me what i wanted to hear.
it reminded me how i simply fell in love with her all over again with just those simple words.
now i got her diary.
and it just tore me apart.
maybe thats why i was talking to kaira on friday and simply started crying.
kaira was someone who reminded me of her.
so was mummy jo.
i read those entries, i get butterflies in my stomach and i dont know why.
i finally know why she went astray.
because she couldn't decide and it ate her up.
and she needed to get away.
no words can say how much i still love her.
if i could.
i wouldnt have stepped back.
then i wouldnt care about what people think of a three way relationship.
i want her back in my life.
i really do, but i couldnt turn back time.
i couldnt tell her how much i loved her before she left.
i couldnt tell her that i will stay strong for her.
i almost couldnt live life.

somehow i forgot what life with her was like.
until i read her poem books.
and i tell myself that she wrote them for me.
her litttle love confessions for me.
how she used to love me.
she can't love me now cause she's dead.
acceptance is the key i guess.

but Pet, if you're around and hearing all of this.

i love you.